I said to my mother- in- law, "My house is your house".
Last week she sold it.

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls.
I stepped on a rake.

I just heard from Bill Bailey. He's not coming home.

I was a pretty good fighter. I won my first few fights, then I ran into trouble.
They made me fight a man. My best punch was a rabbit punch,
But they wouldn't let me fight a rabbit. What a fight. When the bell rang, I came out of my corner and threw six straight Punches in a row. Then the other guy came out of his corner.

My wife is always asking for money.
$200 one day, $150 the next, $125 after that.
"That's crazy" my friend said, "what does she do with it all?"
"I don't know" I said, "I never gave her any".

A guy calls me up and says, "what time does the show go on?"
I says, "what time can you make it?" Every time I meet a girl who can cook like my mother, she looks like my father.

My wife went to the beauty shop and got a mud pack.
For two days she looked beautiful. Then the mud fell off.

I've been married for thirty years and I'm still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me.

A husband comes home with a half a gallon of ice cream
And asks his wife if she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asks.
"About as hard as my dick" he replies
"OK, then pour me some!"

The only contribution America has made towards furniture is the electric chair.

I always know when my sisters is having her period,
Because my fathers prick tastes funny.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey why the long face?"
"Doctor, my husband limps because his left leg is an inch shorter than his right leg. What would you do in his case?" "Probably limp"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, " I've got big problem doctor"
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is?"
'The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up."

Sex between two people is beautiful.
Sex between five people is fantastic.

A guy falls out the window of a twenty-story building.
As he passes the fourteenth floor a friend yells "Hey Mike, how's it going?"

-3-
You know, I was up there in prison talking to Charlie Manson
And he says to me, he says, " Is it hot in here or am I crazy?"

Did an Italian crane operator just experience uninhibited sensations in a
Malibu hot tub?

So if a couple from Kentucky get divorced, they are still brother and sister?

Why do Arabs stink? So blind people can hate them too.

So this is what it feels like to be potato salad. My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift. Who sees a beach bunny sobbing on a shag rug.

What's the difference between kinky and erotic?
With kinky you use the whole chicken.

While in bed the husband reached over and started to fondle his wife's pussy.
He did this for just a short while and then stopped and went back to his book.
Then the wife said, "hey, how come you stopped?" "Stopped what?" the husband replied. "Stopped playing with my pussy." "Oh" said the husband, "I was just wetting my fingers to turn the pages of my book."

My mother and father keep fighting.
They rant and they rave and they shout.
"Who is your father?" somebody asked.
"That's what they're fighting about".

-4-
Three doctors were given six months to live.
They were told they could have anything they wanted.
The first doctor was a Frenchman. He wanted a beautiful villa on the Riviera, surrounded by gorgeous young girls.
The second doctor was an Englishman, and he wanted to have tea with
the queen.
The third doctor was Jewish. He wanted the opinion of another doctor.

I placed an add in a swingers magazine and my parents answered it.

The mother took her incorrigible son to the psychiatrist.
"Does he seam to feel insecure?" asked the doctor,
"No" the mother replied, "but everyone else in the neighborhood does".

A man takes a girl to the Chatterbox hotel.
Upon arrival the man says to the girl:
I'm gonna make love to you like you've never been loved before.
An hour latter the girl runs a pillow feather over the mans forehead.
The man pipes up: "Hey what do you think your doing?"
The girl replies: "comparatively speaking, I'm beating your brains out".

My father used to talk to me, he'd say, "listen, stupid,"- he always called me
"listen".

I called down to the desk. I said, "Is this room service?"
She said, "yes". I said "Send up a room".

The ideal wife would be a beautiful, sex starved, deaf mute who owns a liquor
store.

A pan handler said to me, "Mister, I haven't tasted food for a week."
I said, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same."

Why did Jesus cross the road? Because he was nailed to the chicken.

-5-
BOY: I have forty cents. Do you think we could have a good time on that?
GIRL: I don't think so. My kid brother always gives me half a dollar.

My father was never home, he was always drinking booze.
He saw a sign saying DRINK CANADA DRY. So he went up there.The way he looks in the morning!
He ran after the garbage man and said, "Am I to late for the garbage?"
He said, "no, jump in."

A traveling sales man car broke down one evening on a lonely road and he
asked at the only farmhouse in sight, "can you put me up for the night?"
I reckon I can," said the farmer, "but you'll have to share a room with my
young son." "How about that," gasped the salesman, "I'm in the wrong joke.

"Two guys sitting at a bar: "If I have another drink,"
The first guy said, "I'll begin to feel it."
The second confided: "If I have another drink, I won't care who feels it"

A little old lady walked up to a cop and said, "I was attacked."
The cop said, "when?" she said, "twenty years ago."
The cop said," what are you telling me now for?"
She said," I don't know, once in a while I like to talk about it."

Question: Two men are in love with me, Murray and George.
Who will be the lucky one?
Answer: Murray will marry you, George will be the lucky one.

Heres my life story. I came from a very poor family,
They couldn't afford to have children, so our neighbor had me.

-6-
Two little Hollywood boys were exchanging taunts.
"My father can beat your father"
"Oh yeah? My father is your father."

I met my first girl, her name was sally.
Was that a girl - was that a girl.
That's what people kept asking.

I went to see a psychiatrist.
He said, "Tell me everything"
I did, and now he's doing my act.

My boyfriend just married a girl who's bisexual.
Claims he's going to change her. He did.
Three years later she' s a lesbian.

Doctor gives laxatives to Mr. Jay- one pill every four hours.
Mr. Jay gets confused and takes four pills every hour.
The next morning his son yells, "Ma, pops in the bathroom dead!"
She yells back, "I know, I'll call the undertaker as soon as he stops shitting."

Old guy sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on.
The rockers hair is green and red, he's got feather earrings and an eye patch.
He sees the old guy staring at him. He says, "what's the matter old man?
Didn't you ever do anything wild?"
Old guy says- "yeah, one time I fucked a parrot.
Thought maybe you were my kid.

I've never had a penny to my name, so I changed it.

A traveling sales man stopped by a farmhouse and asked for a nights lodging.
"We're all filled up," said the farmer, "but you can sleep with the little redheaded School teacher."
"That's all right," said the salesman,"I'm a perfect gentleman."
"Fine," said the farmer, "so is the little red headed school teacher."

-7-
I eat politics and I sleep politics, but I never drink politics.

Fireman pulling man out of a burning bed:
"You darned fool, that'll teach you to smoke in bed."
Drunk: "I wasn't smoking in bed, it was on fire when I laid down.

"Jewish man talking to his friend:
"If I live, I'll see you Tuesday. If I don't I'll see you Wednesday."

I want to be your dog.The faster you go.
Around the clock.
Anyone can find me.

Krebs was killed in an accident.
And Silverman was sent to break the news to his wife.
"Be careful when you tell her," advised a friend, " she's a very delicate
woman."
Silverman knocked on the door and she answered.
"Pardon me, are you the widow Krebs?"
"Certainly not!"
"You wanna bet?"

I put an ad in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted". The next day I got hundreds
of replies. They all send the same thing.. You can have mine.

Ladies and gentlemen a funny thing happened to me on my way to the microphone. I forgot my act.

I won't say what she does for a living but they through her out of one
hotel because she didn't have a permit for a parade.

-8-
I once gave my girl friend an old swimming suit, with the covered knees and
long skirt and made out of corduroy. She was just delighted with it- skipping,
running around whirling up a storm. Then she jumped in the water and we never saw her again. I won't say she's fat, but who else has trouble getting in a bathrobe.

Rick's bisexual. . any time he wants it he has to buy it.

I collect rare photographs- I got one where Norman Rockwell is beating up a
child.

I got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

What's the difference between penis and a bonus?
You can always get your wife to blow your bonus.

A guy goes to the doctor and says. . Doc I got this terrible case of
discolored penis. Sure enough the guy shows the Doc a bright blazing orange penis. The Doc has never seen anything quite like it and starts asking about the guys daily routine, . . Any prescription medicine, did he have more intercourse than average, did he play any unusual athletics?? Nope says the guy. About the only thing I do anymore is lay around eating cheetos and watch the Playboy channel.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed.
It wasn't the kind that folds.

I like my new neighborhood.
The ice-cream truck plays Helter Skelter.

I was going to commit suicide by drowning,
But I must not have serious because I brought a beach towel.

-9-
I had a friend who was a clown.
When he died all his friends went to his funeral in one car.

I pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say fasten your seat belts.

I want to try something I once saw in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.

One night a jetliner flew a little to close to my house.
I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the
Stewardess told me to sit down.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot.

When I was five my father told me never to talk to strangers.
We haven't spoken since.

A guy gets a phone call from his doctor, who says, "I've got bad news and
worse news. The bad news is you've got 24 hours to live." "Good god!" says the guy, "what's the worse news?" the doctor says "I've been calling you since yesterday.

"A man was on safari with his native guide when they came upon a beautiful
blond bathing naked in the stream. "My god, who's that?" the man asked.
"Daughter of missionary, Bwana," came the reply.
"I haven't seen a white woman in so long," the man sighed, "That I'd give anything to eat her." So the guide raised his rifle to his shoulder and shot her.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the
wrong house, that's what it means.

I have a circular driveway. Problem is I can't get out.

-10-
Very strange. The other day I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

I had a dream all the victims of the pill came back- man were they mad.

I accidentally shot my mother in law while deer hunting.
It was an honest mistake. I came out of the tent in the morning and thought I saw a deer in an orange vest making coffee.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went and returned a cup of sugar. She said you didn't borrow this.

A guy goes to the dentist sits in the chair,
Pulls down his zipper and pulls out his dick.
The dentist says what are you doing? I'm a dentist.
The guy says yeah, but there's a tooth in there.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

I had a dog his name was king.
I told that dog everything.

Both my marriages have been disappointing.
My first wife left me and the second one didn't.

The husband bought his frigid wife a big tube of KY jelly and told her, "this
will make you happy." It did. She put it on the bedroom doorknobs after he
went out.

As was common they got into a nasty quarrel at breakfast. "Your not good in
bed either!" yelled the husband as he stormed out to work. Around lunchtime he
had cooled off and decided to apologize, so he call home. After many rings
his wife answered, "What took you so long?" he yelled as his temper began to
rise again. "I was in bed" "What were you doing in bed?" "Getting a second
opinion."

-11-
Ever since they got married, the wife has had a padlocked chest by the foot
of their bed. Despite his pleading from time to time, she never revealed the
contents to him. Finally, on their silver wedding anniversary, the wife agreed
to let him see the contents. He watched steadfastly as she unlocked the chest
and opened the lid. Inside were two ears of corn and twenty five thousand
dollars. He looked at the chest and looked at his wife. His wife said, "its like
this. Every time I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn in." He was surprised
to learn that she had been unfaithful. But twice in twenty-five years wasn't
that bad, so he smiled and asked, "what about the money?" "Well, every time I
reached a bushel, I sold it."

Marriage is grand. Divorce is about ten grand.

How do you stop a Jewish girl from fucking?
You marry her.

What did Jesus say to the Mexicans?
Don't do anything until I get back.

I'm writing a new book that's going to have a field all to itself.
It's going to be for people who want to be unpopular, unsuccessful, and fat.

How can you tell your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes start to pile up.

She was so fat that when I had sex with her I had to ask for directions.
No No, that's not right - when I got to the top of her, my ears popped.

A father was explaining ethics to his son who was about to go into business:
"Supposing a woman comes in and orders $100 worth of materials.
You wrap it up. And give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill.
As she goes out the door you realize she has given you two $100 bills.
Here's where the ethics come in, should you or shouldn't you tell your partner?"

-12-
George entered a bar and ordered a whisky sour and told the bartender to fix
the other guy at the bar a drink too.
Finishing his first, he called to the bartender, "Fix me another of the same
but leave the fruit out of it."
"Hey man," shrieked the other guy, "I didn't ask for a drink in the first
place!"

Elderly man, hard of hearing, is joined by his wife as the doctor makes an
exam. Finally, the doctor says: "I'm mystified. I need to do further tests, so
leave me urine, feces, and sperm samples."
The gentleman asks, "what did he say?
What does he want?" His wife responds: "leave him your underwear."

My wife, my wife.
I took her to an Italian restaurant one night.
I asked her what she wanted.
She said "the waiter."

I just sent my kid to a real tough school.
Christ, the school newspaper has an obituary column.

I took my wife to a wife swapping party.
I had to throw in some cash.

They asked one kid in school to prove the law of gravity.
He threw the teacher out the window.

There's one cop that's really though in our neighborhood.
The other night there was trouble.
I saw him fire 3 warning shots into the guy that was running.

I tell ya, last week my wife made tomato surprise.
Even the tomatoes were surprised.

Two dumb guys go bear hunting.
They see a sigh saying bear left.
They went home.

-13-
A man goes to see a psychiatrist.
The doctor says, "your crazy"
So the man says, "I want a second opinion."
"OK. You're ugly too!"

My mother was 88 years old.
She never used glasses.
Drank right out of the bottle.

In New York's garment district a little old Jewish man was hit by a car.
While waiting for the ambulance, a policeman tucked a blanket under
the guy's chin and asked, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says," I make a nice living."Are you drinking again?
Doesn't your health mean anything to you?
Yes, it means something to drink to.

Did you hear about the fellow, who stopped the woman on Broadway
And told her, "Your the first white woman I've seen in 6 months."
"Where have you been?" she inquired, "darkest Africa?"
"Nope, selling silk in Florida."

Two friends ran into each other at the door of the psychiatrist office.
Are you coming or going? One said
The other replied, if I knew that, I wouldn't be here.

Man walking out of a house of questionable repute, muttered to himself,
Man that's what I call a business.
You got it, you sell it, and you still got it.

I never had a penny to my name,
So I changed my name.

-14-
What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker? Hop in.

What's the difference between a pub and a clitoris?
Most men can find a pub.

I went down to Miami.
They told me id get a lovely room for seven dollars a week.
The room was in Savannah, Georgia.

The way things are going
I feel like a fool buying a 5-year calendar.

My mother in law has a face like an onion.
Every time I see it I start to cry.I went to the doctor with a sore foot.
He said he'd have me walking within the hour.
He did, he stole my car.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French.
Even the waiter was surprised.
I was in a Chinese restaurant.

I was in a generous mood today, a woman says to her friend.
I gave a beggar $25. That's a lot of money says her friend.
What did your husband say? He said thank you.

I'm really clean. I put on a pair of clean socks every day.
But by the end of the week I can't get my shoes on.

Why did Jesus cross the road?
Because he was nailed to the chickens.

-15-
Two cannibals were eating a clown
When one turned to the other and said,
"Does he taste funny to you?"

A guy walks into the psychologist office
Wearing only shorts made from saran wrap.
The psychologist says, "well, I can clearly see your nuts.'

A guy walks into a convenience store. He says to the man
Behind the counter, "All you guys have that red spot on your forehead.
What does it mean?" The guy says,
"Sadly, it means I've been shot."